Heartbreak of a lost teen….
In this world that lacks diginity,loyality,love,trust,and pride, I lost myself.
I surrounded myself in you,consuming your identity,taking on characteristics of your personality til my identity was nomore ,trying to become everything you wanted and needed,I lost myself.Trying to please you and complete you I neglected the things I wanted and needed, things that pleased and completed me.
I lost myself becoming just another pawn that you moved back and forth,side to side not knowing that I would be replaced with another and thrown aside like all the other pawns in your life.
I lost myself, in the words you spoke,not actions you made. In the “I love you’s”,”I need you’s”,”I want to marry you”,and “Please don’t leave me like all the others”!
Always forgiving and forgetting the lies,dishonor,deceit,no calls,staying out all night,and the lack of what I thought and wanted to be true love, your mouth said it was but I knew otherwise I just didn’t want to believe otherwise and there, I lost myself.
In the horrors that were the truths of my so called love that unfolded right before my eyes and that each time broke my heart until it was nomore. Feeding off your lies thinking that they would rebuild what once was a ”Strong Love”, I lost myself in giving you everything I had,creating a monster that helped me lose who I was. The very identity I had I gave to build up his.
I lost myself…
because I ignored all the good and fed off his negative.All the lectures about being to young and ignorant to what Love actually was. I lost myself defying what I knew God to be. Naive to the fact I was living the same “SINs” everyday,thinking that if I only repent I would still going to HEAVEN one day,but I yet as lived I was only stepping closer to HELL.
I lost myself always giving giving giving but never receiving,thinking that at any moment I could drop this world and start anew.
I lost myself in a world that wasn’t good for what grew inside me, pushing me to make a decision that before I was strong and wise enough to make, but now I second guess everyday after.
I lost myself because when there was another I stayed.
I lost myself because I still longed for everything I wrote above,the love and compassion from another.
I lost myself because he no longer was the problem…I was. For 2 years I feed and nurtured the problem never walking away from it.
Finally when we walked away I caught myself thinking of ways I could’ve fixed it and made everything better,sitting there longing for it all back.
I lost myself and now when and where will I find myself…..?